Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
