Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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