New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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