just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
