Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
