My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
