I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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