this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
