Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
