What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
