WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
