There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
