I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
