My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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