i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
