omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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