Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
