Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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