coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
