youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
