I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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