My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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