I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
