don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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