You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
