Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
