Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
