Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I FOUND THE LEGS
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
