Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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