your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just google imaged poop.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
