You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
