Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
