You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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