Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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