Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
