This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
