Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
