there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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