And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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