I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
