dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
