You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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