so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
