I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
