My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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