i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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