I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
