I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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