you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
