I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
