oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
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She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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