when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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