I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
