walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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