I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
