we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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