she woke up with a sticky ear
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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