I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
