i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
