Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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