Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
