you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
