Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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